Least orthodox jock itch treatment:

Knotted rope whip in “Casino Royale”


In "Casino Royale," Bond won't reveal the password to a secret account.
He is then stripped and whipped by this friendly fellow.

The latest James Bond caper pushes its PG-13 status in a scene where blond Bond Daniel Craig is bound naked to a chair.  His stereotypically scarred nemesis then proceeds to knot a large rope and whip him in an area that most secret agents would find somewhat sensitive.  Bond fans should find this torture technique archaic.  Even in 1964, Goldfinger was using lasers to threaten Bond’s nether realm.  In “Royale,” Bond’s manly mettle is maintained: despite his pubic punishment, he does not reveal his secret password. Neither shaken nor stirred by the villain’s onslaught, Bond quips that he has an itch and asks that he be whipped again on that side. 


Jock itch is most often caused by fungus and can be cleared by topical antifungal creams.  However, fungus and Bond villains are not the only threats to the crown jewels.  Other causes of an itchy groin include yeast, bacteria, psoriasis, and parasites (see below).  If male itch persists, dermatologists can skillfully discern the remaining possibilities and usually give relief with the appropriate salve. Knotted rope whips are not considered the standard medical option.


Runner up, least orthodox treatment for groin itch:

Matt Dillon’s overuse of lice cream in “Factotum“

Matt Dillon's alcoholic character catches crabs.
He treats for too long...
...requiring a gauze dressing to heal the irritation.

Matt Dillon’s performance as rock bottom boozer in “Factotum“ has not received much Oscar attention.  Could the Academy have dismissed the film’s chances when a drunken Dillon catches crabs? Lice, or what doctors call pediculosis, is a pesky parasite that is spread sexually. Dillon decides to disturbingly douse his delicates with a fast acting lice cream, leaves it on overnight, and develops intense irritation requiring a girdle-style gauze bandage. Over-the-counter and prescription creams can clear this critter, but stick to the prescribed application time.  Ouch!


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