Presidential Campaign Secret:

Bush and Kerry's Unibrow


The American presidential campaign of 2004 will go down in history as one of the most divisive and contentious of all time. Despite the ideological differences of President George W. Bush and Senator John Kerry, both share an impressive dermatologic track record.


 Bush has had his share of skin injury (skinjury?). Kerry may have the war wounds to earn three purple hearts, but Bush is no stranger to trauma. During the 2000 recount debacle, Bush developed a facial "boil," known by people outside of the Beltway as a "zit." His experienced handlers camouflaged it with this impressive surgical dressing. And remember when Dubya allegedly choked on a pretzel and fainted? This bruise was the chilling reminder of the dangers of finger food. Like his father, President GW Bush has also been treated for precancerous facial lesions. We therefore applaud his preference for the Texas-sized sun shielding Stetson.

 President Bush's skin history: Boiled...

...and bruised--but not beaten!

Not to be outdone, Senator Kerry is reportedly prone to excessively dry lips and is an avid fan of the old school moisturizer, bag balm. There was also overwhelming yet unsubstantiated internet chatter that Kerry had undergone Botox treatments to minimize furrows as plentiful as summer cookouts on Cape Cod.

Aside from their present skin woes, the two opposing politicos actually share certain aspects of their history. Both were raised in wealthy communities, went to Yale University, and and performed clandestine rituals in the Skull 'n' Bones society. They have aslo hidden a dark secret that has only come to light as the last red state/blue state map flickers and dims.

There has been much talk about our divided nation. The 2004 election was also about another significant division: United eyebrows repeatedly and systematically torn asunder. These early college photos show what neither candidate revealed during the campaign. Between each man's thick expressive eyebrows there exists a connecting isthmus of hair. Yes, America, Bush and Kerry share a personal burden: the Unibrow.


 We may never know what Bush was doing during his tour of duty during Viet Nam, but it is clear that for both men, eyebrow maintenance was not a priority.

The presence of this groovy glen could not have easy to bear. It is possible that this pair of proud patriots weathered more than their share of schoolyard teasing. Surely clever classmates might equate a furry brow with the name, "Bush." Or create a juvenile rhyme with the words, "hairy" and "Kerry." These childhood taunts may have prepared the future candidates for electoral mud slinging to come.

Yet it has been argued: What does the distant history of these political adversaries have to do with Bush and Kerry today? What they did during wartime, what brand of buzz-inducing beer they swilled, whether they spent their college years with unfortunately placed hair follicles--does that matter in our current turbulent times? The fact is, unlike corny secret society hazing rituals, monobrows aren't outgrown. They cannot be merely shed like the memories of our coarse-featured cave-dwelling ancestors. No, like to a tenacious weed, they require constant pruning. Whether cut, plucked, shaved, waxed, electrologically zapped, or laser ablated, they return. You can run from a unibrow, but you cannot hide.

So presumably these two men must undergo periodic reduction of their furrow foliage. Now, we can imagine sultry Salma Hayek, relaxing in a day spa, getting her brows gently threaded while fielding calls from eager movie producers. But Dubya and his Opponent? Does Bush prefer a manly Tex-Mex waxing attack? Does Kerry the alleged flip flopper struggle with his weekly choice of depilatory? And why was this information not released during the campaign? Didn't the deciding voters of Ohio deserve the truth?

Unnamed sources reveal that a 527 group, "Citizens for a Bald Brow," had so few donations it could not even fund a milk carton ad. We guess that since both candidates shared this plight, neither side saw any political gain. We may never know. Like many hidden aspects of the political beast, only Bush buddy Karl Rove may know the answer--and for once, he's not talkin'.

Runner up, Presidential Campaign Secret:


 Why hasn't Ex-VP candidate John Edwards had that pesky lip mole removed?

It can't be because of his success at malpractice cases against doctors, could it? Just kidding, counselor!!


© 1996-2006 Vail Reese M.D.